1. Have you ever read (insert obscure, incredibly looong multi-book fantasy/science fiction series here)?
When we tell them we haven’t, they proceed to tell us the plot line of the series in extreme detail. They might talk uninterrupted for five minutes or more, only stopping to make us promise, (promise!) that we’ll read the entire series as soon as we get home. Dude. We’re not going to.
2. When you make a million dollars on your first novel, I hope you remember me!
And its many variations. Inevitably, someone will suggest a hypothetical in which our writing makes us one million dollars. This is really condescending, because no one who says that actually believes we’re going to make a million dollars. It’s like telling a child that they should aspire to be an astronaut.
3. Do you like David Sedaris?
This is an advanced move. The man saying this to us has product in his hair and thinks he’s blowing our mind with literary prowess right now. He’s saying, ‘hey, female. I read non-school books.’
4. Boy, do I have a story for you! (Proceeds to tell us a long, boring story about his life.)
We don’t need your ideas. That’s why we’re writers - because we’re good at making them up ourselves.
5. You should write a story about the thing that is happening right now.
Similar to number 4 but annoying in its own right. What’s happening right now is disappointing and not the effect we’re going for in our work, generally… contrary to this piece we just wrote about it.
Did I leave any out? Is it the same for men?
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MOLLY LAICH lives and writes in Missoula where she is completing an MFA at The University of Montana. She also teaches, walks dogs, and rides a bike.
